PaRoDy, the GRAIL version!
by Shinnypichu88
Summary: The Holy Grail War, a battle royal between 7 people, and their "heroic" servants for the ultimate prize; A wish...except it's not.
1. Prologue: Mathew

**《****Prologue: Mathew****》**

It started with Mathew.

Mathew's name was Mathew.

Mathew was stupid.

For some reason, Shenron flew by.

Mathew wished for war.

Shenron agrees, but stops and gives Mathew blank stare when he realizes what Mathew wished for.

Mathew elaborates, Mathew doesn't just want a war. Mathew wants a battle of cataclysmic proportions! A battle so great, that it tears reality apart. A war motivated by the desire of the winners dream coming true, and maybe more, and most importantly; Mathew wants it to be as unnecessary complicated as possible.

Mathew doesn't mind some drama, and the like.

Shenron points out that this is beyond his power.

Mathew wishes for someone who can grant it to appear.

Shenron obliges.

Shenron is gone.

It is only Mathew.

…

The world explodes.


	2. It's to long so: MsDhPwOsUmHa

**《****MaThEw'S sUpEr DuPeR hOlY pArOdY wAr Of SuPrEmE uLtRa MeGa HoLy AwEsOmEnEsS!****》**

Mathew's super duper holy parody war of supreme ultra mega holy awesomeness! (Trademark) is a competition between contestants Mathew chooses to duke it out to the death for the chance at having all their dreams come true.

However, Mathew is stupid.

As a result, after numerous of failed attempts in the selection process, which include the following,

1\. A Dog (It amused Mathew)

2\. A Cat (Mathew wanted it to be fair)

3\. A Cactus (It angered Mathew)

4\. Omega Shenron (No comment)

5\. A used piece of Chewing Gum. (...)

6\. A box of balloons Mathew received from an older brother on Mathews birthday (they're condoms)

7\. Used Condoms (Try not to think about it...)

8\. Meg Griffin (She nearly destroyed reality.)

9\. Mathew (Yes, Mathew nominated himself)

10\. Kiritsugu Emiya (Averted because Mathew thought it was dumb)

It was decided that a better selection process was needed. (There is approximately over 30,000 more examples. However, [...] believe you've seen enough.) The new method involved the creation of 9 crests.

1\. Courage

2\. Friendship

3\. Love

4\. Knowledge

5\. Purity

6\. Serenity

7\. Kindness

8\. Hope

9\. Light

These Crests would seek out, and choose owners with strong qualities benefiting each crest. The crests weren't allowed to alter their choice, and would remain stuck with them until the owner died. (On an unrelated note; There was a "super crest" which was basically all of them put together...Mathew thought it would be fun, it was one of the nine.)

Mathew loved it.

Purity didn't.

Anyway, the chosen children didn't need to play, they were given the choice. They could participate, or they could die when the war started at the hands of other participants~

See, choice!

However, one day a glitch occurred, and no one choose to participate, and with no participants the war couldn't happen.

Mathew was upset.

9 new crests were added to the roster, but there could only be 9 participants at a time. The new crests were as follows;

1\. Cowardice

2\. Enmity

3\. Hate

4\. Ignorance

5\. Impurity

6\. Deceit

7\. Cruelty

8\. Despair

9\. Darkness

They were basically just the opposite of the originals.

To be fair, Mathew was quite upset about the failed war thing when it happened. However, a new problem revealed itself.

The current game wouldn't end until it ended.

To fix this Mathew added a tenth player, someone who would keep the game going.

Mathew added a game master.

"..."

"Hmm? Why didn't Mathew just become the game master? Well Mathew obviously just wanted to watch."

"..."

Mathew now believed everything was fixed, but the chosen children still refused!

Mathew killed 8.

With the game reset, and final player ignored. Mathew gleefully awaited the next game, and the crests raced off to find suitable hosts because only 9 could be in the game at a time (Game master didn't count!). The rest would be forced to watch with Mathew, and Mathew was a horrible host.

Because Mathew was stupid.

The war began.

It was horrifying.

Mathew loved it.

Courage didn't.

Neither did Light, Purity, Love, or Sincerity.

Hate hated it, because he was Hate, and he hates stuff.

Despair loved it, so much in fact that if Mathew wasn't so stupid it might of tried to show this love in more Ecstasy inducing ways.

Knowledge only watched.

Enmity sat in the corner, because no one likes Enmity, Enmity sucks.

The war ended, and continued, and ended. Each time the crests would change order, but 1 managed to remain in the game every time.

Mathew was stupid, but even he thought it seemed appropriate.

The 1 crest that was always in the game,

Hope.

"..."

"It's quite a curious origin, and history isn't it?"

"..."

"Hm? I still have more to say?"

"..."

"Well yeah, I only really mentioned how participants are selected, but I think the rest will come in time~"

"..."

"Cheeky little shit aren't you, Welp it doesn't matter~ I think it's time for the game to start."

"?!"

The 99th Mathew's super duper holy parody war of supreme ultra mega holy awesomeness has begun.

* * *

**A/N: Rejoice Anon of the ON, you've gotten more~**

**While I got a general idea about where I want this to go, daily life scenes are the bane of my writing (but practice makes perfect I suppose lol)**

**Next chapter is where we meet our characters and learn the rules I suppose :)**

**Who will our main characters be I wonder?**

**Feel free to review with input, ideas (characters, and "servants", etc.), requests (I may humor them lol), theories about the fic, or just be a dick XD**

**Although you know what they say about dicks, they become Mathew.**


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